Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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