He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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