It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
