I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just google imaged poop.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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