I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
