Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
