if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
