The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
