woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
