I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
