I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
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Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
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Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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