My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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