I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
