I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
