Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
