When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
