i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We were destined to go to rehab together
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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