Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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