I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
