a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
