My room smells like vodka and shame
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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