I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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