im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
