Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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