im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
