at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
