conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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