I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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