go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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