Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.