i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
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I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat