SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
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We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.