i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
