I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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