Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
