Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
