i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Please, let me fuck your mom
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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