i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
