All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize