did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
