I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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