if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
