My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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