I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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