i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
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if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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