i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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