Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
