Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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