I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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