saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
