she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
FUCK WHALES
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
