My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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