It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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