You smell like a Billy Joel song
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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