strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Bring me that man meat
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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