I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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