the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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