So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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