It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
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I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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