where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
