my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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