he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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